The Sum of My Footsteps

I’m having packing blues! How is it possible for someone to accumulate so much in such a short time period? I have done so much mental packing without actually physically doing anything.  The thought of packing really overwhelms me. But, its something that has to be done, because movers come in on Friday.  So far, i have lots of boxes (empty) in the living room.  Loads of clothes in my room to be sorted out. My kitchen is flooded with pots and pans and plates….aargh! I know this will be done because it has to be done.  It’s the process that is crazy.  Oh well, off to pack some more.  Laterz!

It’s natural for me to allow what others want to be important that what I want or even what I need.  It’s not something that I am particularly proud of.  In fact, until recently, i didn’t even realize i did it.  It was just a part of what I did.  It’s a hard thing to admit that you allow others happiness to be more important that what is best for you.  But, I can’t do that anymore.  From now on, I am going to do what is best for me.  That doesn’t mean that I will not be a giving person. But, I want to make decisions based on what I believe is best for me.  This issue comes up because I met a new guy.  And the one thing that I am not going to do is be physically intimate with this guy (until he has a ring on my finger).  I know it sounds like i’m jumping the gun, but I need to be sure where i stand.  The emotional baggage that comes with not ending up with a guy whom i’ve been with is something that I cannot handle.  Seriously, it would take another decade for me to get out of that roller coaster.  I admit this is a decision that is not easy.  I have never done this before, but I am adamant that this is what’s up. When the time is right, I will have this discussion with this guy.  If we’re not on the same page – spiritually, emotionally, and physically- then I’d rather not be involved with him in any way.  I am more than aware that the devil is always ready to pounce on you when you make a decision like this, so I’m asking God to walk with me on this one.  I can’t do it alone.  I told my bff this, and she said “are you serious? I don’t know about all that.”  Well, I’m here to prove to her that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.  If this guy is the real deal, he will respect my decision.  And if he’s not, then i’d rather know now than later.  

Yesterday, me and the new guy went out on a date. Our First Date.  The uneasiness that comes into play when you first meet a guy is always there.  A weird nervousness.  But, it was a nice day.  We met for late lunch and drinks and watched the Euro Cup final.  Nice.  Then we went to the park, for some one-on-one time.  It was really a day made for the movies.  The weather was perfect, the company even better.  We cuddled and snuggled, and just talked.  Played the word game - what do you first think of when I say this word. It even sprinkled and then it rained. Didn’t I tell you this was made for the movies.  We shared our first kiss under the rain.  I spent all day thinking that I imagined all of this.  I am all giddy and full of butterflies and I want to remember the feeling that I had/have for a long time.  It’s just nice living in the moment.  He called me today to wish me a good day.  Sweet.  We’ll see where this goes.   

Written on Sat. June 28

Last night I met a guy.  I had first noticed him when he entered the restaurant and walked around saying hello to everyone.  Initially, all i thought of him, was he’s choclaty. Nice. Then he spoke and didn’t sound like a complete idiot.  Little did I know that he had already scoped me out.  So, we ended up talking, and for the first time, in a really long time, I didn’t even notice when 2 a.m rolled by.  He’s a decent guy (based on first impressions).  As far as where he lies on “my list” (created a mere two days ago), he has some of the qualities.  He was respectful, he is into his family, he’s intelligent, was a former teacher.  It’s just soooo crazy that we met only a week before I leave town. After we left the club, he called to make sure that I got home safe, and then we ended up talking until 4am.  

But, I am really trying to be cool.  I don’t want to sabotage this and fall flat on my face. The only drawback (and i’m not even sure why it is) is that’s he’s 8 years older than I am.  I think i’m okay with that.  I don’t want to rush any of this.  I want the lessons that I have learn this past year to mean something.  The amount of pain and heartache that I have endured in the last few years are enough to keep me extremely guarded.  I’m happy to have spent time with someone who seems to genuinely dig me. It’s a nice feeling I must admit.  And it really makes me wonder what I’ve been doing with EL.  For the first time in a really long time, I didn’t think of EL. And when i did there was no pain or anger.  More like relief.  Like, thank God he was such a jerk, cuz I probably wouldn’t have recognized what a nice guy looks like.  Even if this doesn’t work out, even if it is a fleeting moment, I am thankful to have met a nice guy who made me feel special and feel that I deserve to be treated this way.  I know God works in mysterious ways (and He has a wonderful sense of humor) - this one seems to be one of them.  Thank you Lord for shining this moment for me.  I truly feel like it will all be okay!

I finally got done with my brief, at least the substantive part.  I’m so relieved.  Now, maybe I can concentrate on packing up.  Heading out to a small city tomorrow, so I’m excited I’ll be out of the office, even if its just for one day.   

This month’s Oprah magazine has an article that is aptly titled “Regret.” Kinda gave me the AHA! moment that Oprah is always talking about.  The highlights were that, just like anything in this life, you can make regret your “worst enemy or your best friend.” The author continues: “The past doesn’t exist except as a memory, a mental story, and though past events aren’t changeable, your stories about them are.  You can act now to transform the way you tell the story of your past, ultimately making it a stalwart protector of your future.”  Brilliant! 

Everyone has those coulda, shoulda, woulda moments in life.  Mine just happened a few minutes ago.  I really shouldn’t have eaten that second helping of greasy Chinese food.   While this type of regret seems inconsequential, any would-coulda-shoulda moment has the potential of crippling you.  I rarely regret things that I do; i welcome it as an opportunity to learn something. anything.  

“You’re finished grieving when you see someone gaining what you regret losing and feel only joy for them - maybe even secret gratitude that circumstances forced you to enlarge your own capacity for joy.” Isn’t that the epitomy of letting go and forgiving.  Forgiveness, is really one of the hardest things to to do. It’s an easy concept in theory, but its hella hard to put it into practice.   According to the Word, when God forgives you, he wipes your slate clean, and its like it never happened. In fact, when you remind yourself what you did, I bet He’s like “now, what now?” He never uses it to condemn you or remind you what horrendous acts you did.  That is a high bar to achieve. Is it even attainable? Is it possible for me to forgive like He does.  Where I don’t remember what the other person said/did? Where I don’t take use it at any opportunity to guilt someone into doing/feeling a certain way? Where all ill-thoughts/feelings about what the person did are no longer there? I say I forgive, but I know that I have not done all the above.  I especially use it to guilt people who have wronged me, and remind them just how horrible they were to me.  I know its not right.  I know. I know. I’m trying to be better at this forgiveness thing.  I try to remind myself that God forgives me when I ask him to forgive me (and He does it no matter how many times I do the same thing over and over again). Yet, I can’t forgive a mere mortal? Someone who’s just like me - human and prone to err.  Really, there’s nothing like the peace that forgiveness and letting go brings about.  I have a list of things/people/mofos that I need to REALLY forgive. And I really need to let it go, once and for all. Lord gimmi the strength.

I have come to terms with the fact that I enjoy public service.  I am happiest at my job when I feel that whatever I have done makes a difference.  I may not directly impact specific individuals, but I feel overall that my job makes an difference overall to the constituents of the cities that we represent.  But, I am no social worker. Social workers are forced to be multi-talented individuals - improve folks lives, help people cope with everyday life, solve personal problems, uplift those who need a lift, encourage those who despair, and see the potential in those who can’t see it in themselves.  Although I am not a social worker by profession, I feel like that I have been a working as one - at least in my relationships. And, for the love of all that is holy, I am tired of being a particular mofo’s social worker.  Done. With. It. 

In all my thirtysexy years, I have been in three serious relationships.  First, was the puppy-love infused one.  It had its good times, and definitely some ugly ones.  But, I believe it defined me more than any others that followed.  For one, I really learnt a lot about myself.  I am not one to be in an insecure-filled relationship.  That jealous sh** is just not my cup of tea.  Every other one has been downhill.  I wonder can it get any worse? If life is what it is, it definitely can.  So, I’m thinking I need a new strategy in approaching this love thang.  Maybe to begin with I should stop calling it a “love thang.” But seriously, there has to be a way to approach this.  A few days ago, me and some of my gals were talking about dating, and one of the gals mentioned that she was able to “nab” her hubby because she adhered to the Rules.  I’ve never read the Rules, though I’ve heard a few other people talk about it.  Some of the rules include not initiating calling a guy, not calling him back until 24 hours have expired, if he calls for a date on tuesday, you are available on thursday.  Well, i’m not quite sure i agree with all the Rules.  But, they do give food for thought.  Guys like the thrill of the chase.  That’s as natural as breathing.  I think I tank on this part.  I rarely find guys that tickle my fancy. If you want to impress me, blow my mind with your intelligence.  So when I find a guy that stimulates my mind, i get rather over-excited.  I can’t help it, they are a rare species! And maybe I jump the gun. But, I really don’t think that’s been the problem. I’ve just been with complete mofos. I knew from the start, but being the competitive gal I am, i naively thought I could change them.  Hence, my many days spent being a social worker.  Not anymore.  

This weekend I met a guy - he was nice, very funny, and was “darting” me with all sorts of sweet-nothings. But, I must say as much as I was flattered by all the attention, I knew he was full of BS. Or rather, I knew that this was not the type of person I wanted to be with.  When I say “wanted to be with”, I literally mean that.  I made a promise to myself after my last disastrous relationship that I was not going to be dating just anyone, the next guy i date will be my husband.  Since then, i have gotten a lot better at weeding out the crap, and seeing people at their face-value.  I’m just like the next gal, I love compliments and sweet-nothings, but I am so beyond that.  Someone recommended that I read “Choosing God’s Best” by Dr. Don Raunkier and his hypothesis is that dating leads to divorce, because if you have a dating mentality, then there’s always the thought that the grass is greener with the next date.  So we shouldn’t date, but court.  I’m not sure I agree wholeheartedly with his view.  I think dating is healthy.  It allows you to grow and learn who you are, what you like and what you don’t like.  Granted, there are otherwise of learning this, but I can’t take away the experience I had with my first boyfriend.  What I learnt about me- priceless! But, I will give the book a shot.  At my age, I am not interested in just dating, there has to be more than that.  And, i’m okay with waiting for the right guy, cuz if the future and legacy of my unborn children depend on this guy, he better be the right one. 

The other night, in fashion with my procrastination, I came up with my list of things that I am looking for in a guy.  I’ll reprint them here so that i’ll always have a record of them.  Here goes:

• God fearing 
• Family-oriented
• Responsible
• Intelligent
• Ambitious
• Good sense of humor
• Respectful
• Honest
• Easy going 
• No drama
• Knows what he wants
• Has a need to give back (in whatever way- time, money, service etc)

If there was an academy award for procrastination, I would win hands down! It is almost 1am on Sunday evening, and I have a brief that is due tomorrow.  Instead, of typing at exponential speed, I am busy watching PBS.  I must say, its like divine coincidence, because I’m watching Justice Antonin Scalia being interviewed by Charlie Rose.  J. Scalia definitely has some interesting views.  I am must admit I usually do not agree with his decisions, but I do admire his writing skills, as well as his staunch strict constructionist view.  Am not sure either whether I agree with his view that the constitution is NOT  a living document. Things are a lot different than they were back in 1787. I know what the authors meant back when they wrote the constitution, but things have evolved since then, so can what they meant be applied in the same way in today’s society?   Deep questions.  Procrastination begs that I delve into it, but I will pass.  Don’t want to outdo anyone in this art that I have so perfected. 

How do I account for my sheer lack of motivation? Actually, I think I have so many things zooming in and out of my mind, and i’m trying to sort it all out.  I’m trying to wrap up things at work, I’m overwhelmed with the sheer thought of packing up this place and transporting the stuff that i’ve managed to accumulate this past three years.  Maybe I should have taken some more time off work.  Or maybe I should just not fret the small stuff and do what I can do because that’s only what I can do.  Priority: finish this brief; start clearing up my house and packing (note to self: get rid of the junk- i am not moving anything that i have not seen/opened up in the last 6months).  I’m sure it will all be done though, cuz I don’t have much of a choice. Sometimes, I wish i didn’t care too much, but, the truth is I care too much not to do the best that I can possibly do.  So, I am striving for excellence.  I’m sure I could pass for mediocre, but I couldn’t possibly live with myself.  So, here I am, slugging away, at 1:30a.m., striving to produce a work of art.  Will anyone notice? Will anyone care? Will this end? This week will be absolutely horrendous.  So much to do, so little time.  

For some unexplainable reason everything seemed so uncomplicated today.  And for a moment I actually remember us being happy.  It wasn’t a fleeting thought though, more like a wave washing up to shore bringing along happy-joyful memories.  I remember laughing. A.LOT.  Feeling safe in your arms.  Unashamedly happy and beautiful. We used to laugh more, kiss more, hug more, snuggle more, and fight less.  We were less unhappy. It seemed simpler back then.  When did things become so complicated? or were they always? When did the disconnection happen? Did we get too serious? Our relationship was disjointed, but aren’t they all?  We were really really really great friends who had so much in common and could sit up all night talking about anything and everything.  And then there was the emotional-crazy-attraction-illogical-dishonest-disrespectful-i-am-so-mad-at-you-break-up-make-up-can’t-get-enough-of-you part of us.   The latter part of us seems intent on crushing our friendship into tiny particles of dust.  I want these two parts of us to be distinct and separate.  But, how can you have one without the other? Can they truly exist separate? I want the “friend” in me to be happy for you, even if your source of happiness is not me. But the “lover” in me wants you to only be happy with me.  How do I reconcile the two? Maybe there was no distinction between friend and lover.  Perhaps, if one did not exist, there would no us to talk of.  So, how do we separate the two? Can we exist if one part of us does not? Can one part of us thrive without the other? Can I love you and not be your friend? or can I be your friend without loving you? Suddenly, things seems so complicated.   

The past weekend was Father’s Day, but it was one that was mired by the death of a very well-respected journalist, who according to his one and only son, Luke, appears to define the true meaning of a father. Tim Russert passed away last week.  May God rest his soul in peace.  Today, I watched Luke Russert’s interview, and I could not help but be moved.  Tim you did an awesome job.  What caught my eye though was how affectionately and lovingly he spoke of his father.  What would, in my mind, have been a difficult and painful moment, was turned into a wonderful tribute of who Tim Russert really was. Thank you Luke for sharing that with us. 

This morning while in the shower, where it seems my many profound (at least to me) moments seem to arise, I was thinking about my Dad, and how I haven’t called him in a while.  And, while in the shower, I thought, I really should make a commitment to speak to him at least once a week.  Sometimes, we take for granted that our parents will always be in our lives, but the fact is, as I get older, so do they.  And, this is the time I need to talk to them as much as possible so that I can absorb as much of their wisdom as I can. In his interview Luke said that he knew that he was loved by his dad.  That resounded in me. Because, if there’s anything that I know and know for sure without a trace of doubt in my mind, is that my father LOVES me.  I know what it means to be loved.  I am so grateful to God for allowing the man that I call father to be my father.  What a perfect match. 

My Dad is like the coolest guy on planet earth.  I’m not saying this cuz i’m biased.  Nope.  My guy-friends love hanging out with him, and he loves hanging out with young folks.  He’s really different.  For someone who grew up during and after colonialism, he’s outlook on parenting is completly different.  He got me hooked on watching Animated Films.  Which father of that generation sat with their kids and watched cartoons and actually enjoyed doing so? My Dad did.  Which father drove you and picked you up from the hang, just so that he made sure you got home safe?  My Dad did.  If you knew where I lived, you would truly appreciate this.  He was never hangup on protocol.  He just was who he was, and didn’t care what other father’s his age were doing.  During my adolescent years, when I met a boy that I actually liked, he listened to me yap on and on and on about this boy.  He never said “don’t talk to me about boys!” He just listened. He never judged. And for that I will always love him. My Dad is the most generous man I have ever met. Generous to a fault.  Generous with his time and his money.  I have yet to see him say no to anyone.  No wonder he is so richly blessed.  I do aspire to be like him, cuz in this aspect I am so unlike him.  He put his brothers and sisters through school, denying himself the opportunity to go to school.  He has put many of cousins through school, housed them, and loved them like his own kids.  No wonder, they all wanna live with him.  See, I told you he’s the coolest. 

I miss him a lot. Distance takes a toll on relationships.  But, whenever I feel down, I’ll just shot him an email.  And I know I can ask him anything in the world, and he’ll honestly answer it.  That’s my Dad for you. My best friend. I do not know what I did to deserve to be called his daughter (and his one and only for that matter), but I thank God everyday for him.  I pray that my husband and unborn son will be just like my daddy.  Love you dad!!