Regret

This month’s Oprah magazine has an article that is aptly titled “Regret.” Kinda gave me the AHA! moment that Oprah is always talking about.  The highlights were that, just like anything in this life, you can make regret your “worst enemy or your best friend.” The author continues: “The past doesn’t exist except as a memory, a mental story, and though past events aren’t changeable, your stories about them are.  You can act now to transform the way you tell the story of your past, ultimately making it a stalwart protector of your future.”  Brilliant! 

Everyone has those coulda, shoulda, woulda moments in life.  Mine just happened a few minutes ago.  I really shouldn’t have eaten that second helping of greasy Chinese food.   While this type of regret seems inconsequential, any would-coulda-shoulda moment has the potential of crippling you.  I rarely regret things that I do; i welcome it as an opportunity to learn something. anything.  

“You’re finished grieving when you see someone gaining what you regret losing and feel only joy for them – maybe even secret gratitude that circumstances forced you to enlarge your own capacity for joy.” Isn’t that the epitomy of letting go and forgiving.  Forgiveness, is really one of the hardest things to to do. It’s an easy concept in theory, but its hella hard to put it into practice.   According to the Word, when God forgives you, he wipes your slate clean, and its like it never happened. In fact, when you remind yourself what you did, I bet He’s like “now, what now?” He never uses it to condemn you or remind you what horrendous acts you did.  That is a high bar to achieve. Is it even attainable? Is it possible for me to forgive like He does.  Where I don’t remember what the other person said/did? Where I don’t take use it at any opportunity to guilt someone into doing/feeling a certain way? Where all ill-thoughts/feelings about what the person did are no longer there? I say I forgive, but I know that I have not done all the above.  I especially use it to guilt people who have wronged me, and remind them just how horrible they were to me.  I know its not right.  I know. I know. I’m trying to be better at this forgiveness thing.  I try to remind myself that God forgives me when I ask him to forgive me (and He does it no matter how many times I do the same thing over and over again). Yet, I can’t forgive a mere mortal? Someone who’s just like me – human and prone to err.  Really, there’s nothing like the peace that forgiveness and letting go brings about.  I have a list of things/people/mofos that I need to REALLY forgive. And I really need to let it go, once and for all. Lord gimmi the strength.

Social Work

I have come to terms with the fact that I enjoy public service.  I am happiest at my job when I feel that whatever I have done makes a difference.  I may not directly impact specific individuals, but I feel overall that my job makes an difference overall to the constituents of the cities that we represent.  But, I am no social worker. Social workers are forced to be multi-talented individuals – improve folks lives, help people cope with everyday life, solve personal problems, uplift those who need a lift, encourage those who despair, and see the potential in those who can’t see it in themselves.  Although I am not a social worker by profession, I feel like that I have been a working as one – at least in my relationships. And, for the love of all that is holy, I am tired of being a particular mofo’s social worker.  Done. With. It. 

In all my thirtysexy years, I have been in three serious relationships.  First, was the puppy-love infused one.  It had its good times, and definitely some ugly ones.  But, I believe it defined me more than any others that followed.  For one, I really learnt a lot about myself.  I am not one to be in an insecure-filled relationship.  That jealous sh** is just not my cup of tea.  Every other one has been downhill.  I wonder can it get any worse? If life is what it is, it definitely can.  So, I’m thinking I need a new strategy in approaching this love thang.  Maybe to begin with I should stop calling it a “love thang.” But seriously, there has to be a way to approach this.  A few days ago, me and some of my gals were talking about dating, and one of the gals mentioned that she was able to “nab” her hubby because she adhered to the Rules.  I’ve never read the Rules, though I’ve heard a few other people talk about it.  Some of the rules include not initiating calling a guy, not calling him back until 24 hours have expired, if he calls for a date on tuesday, you are available on thursday.  Well, i’m not quite sure i agree with all the Rules.  But, they do give food for thought.  Guys like the thrill of the chase.  That’s as natural as breathing.  I think I tank on this part.  I rarely find guys that tickle my fancy. If you want to impress me, blow my mind with your intelligence.  So when I find a guy that stimulates my mind, i get rather over-excited.  I can’t help it, they are a rare species! And maybe I jump the gun. But, I really don’t think that’s been the problem. I’ve just been with complete mofos. I knew from the start, but being the competitive gal I am, i naively thought I could change them.  Hence, my many days spent being a social worker.  Not anymore.  

This weekend I met a guy – he was nice, very funny, and was “darting” me with all sorts of sweet-nothings. But, I must say as much as I was flattered by all the attention, I knew he was full of BS. Or rather, I knew that this was not the type of person I wanted to be with.  When I say “wanted to be with”, I literally mean that.  I made a promise to myself after my last disastrous relationship that I was not going to be dating just anyone, the next guy i date will be my husband.  Since then, i have gotten a lot better at weeding out the crap, and seeing people at their face-value.  I’m just like the next gal, I love compliments and sweet-nothings, but I am so beyond that.  Someone recommended that I read “Choosing God’s Best” by Dr. Don Raunkier and his hypothesis is that dating leads to divorce, because if you have a dating mentality, then there’s always the thought that the grass is greener with the next date.  So we shouldn’t date, but court.  I’m not sure I agree wholeheartedly with his view.  I think dating is healthy.  It allows you to grow and learn who you are, what you like and what you don’t like.  Granted, there are otherwise of learning this, but I can’t take away the experience I had with my first boyfriend.  What I learnt about me- priceless! But, I will give the book a shot.  At my age, I am not interested in just dating, there has to be more than that.  And, i’m okay with waiting for the right guy, cuz if the future and legacy of my unborn children depend on this guy, he better be the right one. 

The other night, in fashion with my procrastination, I came up with my list of things that I am looking for in a guy.  I’ll reprint them here so that i’ll always have a record of them.  Here goes:

• God fearing 
• Family-oriented
• Responsible
• Intelligent
• Ambitious
• Good sense of humor
• Respectful
• Honest
• Easy going 
• No drama
• Knows what he wants
• Has a need to give back (in whatever way- time, money, service etc)

I know some may say that I better have all the above-qualities if I’m expecting them in another person.  All I have to say, is that thank God I am a work in progress. I am not all of these things, but I am working at it. Nothing like asking God for what you want in front of everyone (who has internet and reads this blog). So, Lord if you are reading this (I know you are), please help me recognize him when I meet him. 

Toodles!