Marriage

This weekend, my girlfriends had a crossing over dinner (aka bridal shower) for one of the gals who is getting hitched next month.  I had an awesome time and the look on my girlfriend’s face when we surprised her was priceless.   The bridal showers that I have attended in the past have  just appeared to be a way of aping things that are foreign to me. Like those ridiculous bridal shower games, somebody tell me why? So, we opted for something that we would all be comfortable doing…what we do best.  Food & drinks & great conversation! We were up until the wee hours of the morning talking about our fears, aspirations, and dreams .  I really am thankful for my gals.  We are at such different places in our lives (newly weds, not-so newly weds, about to be newly weds, single, dating, with and without kids), but we still manage to find common ground.  

Obviously, the topic of marriage came up.  It’s interesting to hear what everyone’s expectations of marriage is.  What’s even more amazing is that as close as we may be, none of us would be compatible with the other’s spouse or boyfriend.  Why? cuz we all have differing expectations.  One of my girlfriends is absolutely okay being a housewife (even without the kids).  Another, is at odds with not losing her earning ability with what is in the best interest of her kids.  Others, seems to have found a perfect balance.  The conclusion at the end of the day – to each his own.  As for me, I don’t see myself doing the housewife thing.  I don’t think I want to give up my earning ability.  I do want what’s best for my kids, but i figure that if my mother successfully raised four brats while holding a full-time job, and catering to a husband, and a ka-side business, I could do this too.

My mother, who has been married for the past 30 plus years, tells me that you need to be very wary about men.  Always always maintain your ability to earn money.  People change, and there is nothing worse that losing your independence.  My mum illustrates with an example of a lady that we both know whose about my mothers age (late 50s) who is “married” to this jama. I put marriage in ” ” because if that is the definition of marriage, I don’t need any of that.  She’s lived in this country for the past 10 years, and like other elderly folks here hasn’t had the best luck in finding a good job.  She’s been out of work for some time and also been laid off too.  But, the worst thing is that my mum tells me that this lady sleeps hungry some days.  Her husband who lives with her refuses to buy food.  He tells her that its her responsibility to pay for electricity bill, and because she’s been out of work, she can’t pay. Can you imagine, he refuses to pay the bill, and they  stay in the dark.  She then has to go borrow money from her peeps.  All this time, she is living with this jamaa. I ask, is this a husband or a roomate. Mind you, her husband is working.  Are you shitting me? Is this what many girls spend sleepless nights hoping and praying for? This is marriage? I wonder, why she chooses to stay.  More likely than not, not being financially independent.  The thing is that thanks to God’s grace she got a hookup from my mum for a permanent position.  I’m so happy for her.  But, I wonder, will she continue to stay with him? The thing is on the outside, she appears to be happy, and you should see her proudly introducing her husband.shyte!

Society really has played a game on us.  Why do we allow ourselves to live life in accordance to what society dictates? I really believe that the best thing that ever happened to me was growing up.  I have lived so much of my life trying to live up to what society says is what i should do. Growing up has taught me that I can only live for moi.  Because if I do that, then i can own the choices I make. From day one, girls are bombarded with this idea of getting married and the kids.  From aunties and cousins (thankfully not from mum), everytime I’m with them, endless questions of when? you haven’t found anyone eeh? I even had an aunt tell me that she wouldn’t come visit until i invited her for my wedding. It takes a strong person not to think that there’s something wrong with them if they are not married. I never knew that subconsciously that this talk really affected me.  But, i’m slowly getting out of that mentality (also known as growing up).  That talk can make you believe that you need to up your search and hook up with a guy like yesterday.  Except, that these are the same folks whose husbands are control freaks and insecure punks. Is that what you really want for me? Really. Don’t get me wrong, I love men. and some day i hope to find the right one. But, i’m not going to front and be with anyone just to be with someone. Which got me to thinking, would I have my spouse sign a prenup? All rational thought says absolutely- there is no guarantee and sometimes things just don’t work out. But, society comes knocking down my rational thoughts. My christian upbringing tells me that by signing a prenup you are really not considering what is yours to be his and vise versa. to be easy, and marriage is for life etc etc. So, I take it a day at a time. I’m sure when I meet the right guy, all that stuff will be irrelevant.  But, my mother’s subtle voice will always be in the background.. i love you mums!