Marriage

This weekend, my girlfriends had a crossing over dinner (aka bridal shower) for one of the gals who is getting hitched next month.  I had an awesome time and the look on my girlfriend’s face when we surprised her was priceless.   The bridal showers that I have attended in the past have  just appeared to be a way of aping things that are foreign to me. Like those ridiculous bridal shower games, somebody tell me why? So, we opted for something that we would all be comfortable doing…what we do best.  Food & drinks & great conversation! We were up until the wee hours of the morning talking about our fears, aspirations, and dreams .  I really am thankful for my gals.  We are at such different places in our lives (newly weds, not-so newly weds, about to be newly weds, single, dating, with and without kids), but we still manage to find common ground.  

Obviously, the topic of marriage came up.  It’s interesting to hear what everyone’s expectations of marriage is.  What’s even more amazing is that as close as we may be, none of us would be compatible with the other’s spouse or boyfriend.  Why? cuz we all have differing expectations.  One of my girlfriends is absolutely okay being a housewife (even without the kids).  Another, is at odds with not losing her earning ability with what is in the best interest of her kids.  Others, seems to have found a perfect balance.  The conclusion at the end of the day – to each his own.  As for me, I don’t see myself doing the housewife thing.  I don’t think I want to give up my earning ability.  I do want what’s best for my kids, but i figure that if my mother successfully raised four brats while holding a full-time job, and catering to a husband, and a ka-side business, I could do this too.

My mother, who has been married for the past 30 plus years, tells me that you need to be very wary about men.  Always always maintain your ability to earn money.  People change, and there is nothing worse that losing your independence.  My mum illustrates with an example of a lady that we both know whose about my mothers age (late 50s) who is “married” to this jama. I put marriage in ” ” because if that is the definition of marriage, I don’t need any of that.  She’s lived in this country for the past 10 years, and like other elderly folks here hasn’t had the best luck in finding a good job.  She’s been out of work for some time and also been laid off too.  But, the worst thing is that my mum tells me that this lady sleeps hungry some days.  Her husband who lives with her refuses to buy food.  He tells her that its her responsibility to pay for electricity bill, and because she’s been out of work, she can’t pay. Can you imagine, he refuses to pay the bill, and they  stay in the dark.  She then has to go borrow money from her peeps.  All this time, she is living with this jamaa. I ask, is this a husband or a roomate. Mind you, her husband is working.  Are you shitting me? Is this what many girls spend sleepless nights hoping and praying for? This is marriage? I wonder, why she chooses to stay.  More likely than not, not being financially independent.  The thing is that thanks to God’s grace she got a hookup from my mum for a permanent position.  I’m so happy for her.  But, I wonder, will she continue to stay with him? The thing is on the outside, she appears to be happy, and you should see her proudly introducing her husband.shyte!

Society really has played a game on us.  Why do we allow ourselves to live life in accordance to what society dictates? I really believe that the best thing that ever happened to me was growing up.  I have lived so much of my life trying to live up to what society says is what i should do. Growing up has taught me that I can only live for moi.  Because if I do that, then i can own the choices I make. From day one, girls are bombarded with this idea of getting married and the kids.  From aunties and cousins (thankfully not from mum), everytime I’m with them, endless questions of when? you haven’t found anyone eeh? I even had an aunt tell me that she wouldn’t come visit until i invited her for my wedding. It takes a strong person not to think that there’s something wrong with them if they are not married. I never knew that subconsciously that this talk really affected me.  But, i’m slowly getting out of that mentality (also known as growing up).  That talk can make you believe that you need to up your search and hook up with a guy like yesterday.  Except, that these are the same folks whose husbands are control freaks and insecure punks. Is that what you really want for me? Really. Don’t get me wrong, I love men. and some day i hope to find the right one. But, i’m not going to front and be with anyone just to be with someone. Which got me to thinking, would I have my spouse sign a prenup? All rational thought says absolutely- there is no guarantee and sometimes things just don’t work out. But, society comes knocking down my rational thoughts. My christian upbringing tells me that by signing a prenup you are really not considering what is yours to be his and vise versa. to be easy, and marriage is for life etc etc. So, I take it a day at a time. I’m sure when I meet the right guy, all that stuff will be irrelevant.  But, my mother’s subtle voice will always be in the background.. i love you mums!

Obama’s V.P?

I personally don’t care who he picks (although I don’t want to be the last one to know!) After all, a V.P. would only have a title, and no real power (unless you’re D. Cheney).  But for some reason, the talk of the day is who Obama will pick to be his running/sprinting mate.  According to political pundits, the top two picks are Sen. Joe Biden (Delaware) and Sen. Evan Bayh (Indiana).  I don’t think he’s going to go with either one. It would be too predictable. So unlike Obama.  I have a nagging feeling that he will pick ..drumroll please… the one person who has by far made him a better presidential candidate.  None other than HRC [Hillary Rodham Clinton].  I was not a big fan of HRC’s underhandedness during the primaries, but I have to give respect where it is due.  HRC is one bad mama.  She is by far, one of the best debators I have ever seen, and Obama ain’t got nothing on her when it comes to debates. It would be a great risk for him to pick her.  She has a lot of baggage.  But, there’s a contingent of older women voters who he could bring on board by picking her.  Either way, it wouldn’t make one iota of a difference to me who he picked (unless ofcourse, he picked someone that is so contrary to something i believe in) because at the end of the day, an average American would not be able to tell you who the current vice-president is.

Baggage

I have baggage.  Emotional baggage. There. I admit it.  Every time I think about the baggage that I bring to this relationship, all i can see is Erykah Badu’s bag lady video.  All the ladies in the video were dressed in brightly colored dresses, with matching bags.  In the first stanza, Badu belts ” bag lady, you gonna hurt back, dragging them bags like that.” Bag lady, you gonna miss your bus, carrying them bags like that.” That’s me.  Loading up my bag with past hurts and pains.  Believing that the next one will just be like the last one.  Waiting for the shoe to drop.  Subconsciously sabotaging a relationship by picking fights, so that if he leaves, then you could always say, see i told you so, he’s just like everyone else.  I won’t lie, when someone breaks your heart, you lose the ability to just be. You are constantly watching your back.  I am punishing L (aka the new guy in my life) for the pain i have gone through.  Seriously, I need to stop this.  The one great thing about L is that he is so thoughtful that he’s somehow, without too much effort, helping me get over my past.  But, i do have a lot of work to do.  Only I can make the decision on whether I will allow my past to dictate my future.  But, i’m so grateful to have a man whose making it easier.  Hat off to you, L!

To ask or not to ask?

I’m in a quandry.  As it goes, I’m curious about L.  You see, I met him right before i relocated.  We talk on the phone everyday, and I’ve seen him once since we met about 1 month ago.  I think we have good communication, and I’m okay asking him what I want to know, and for the most part, he’s been responsive to my mild form of the spanish inquisition.  Yesterday, I asked him what people would say about him if I were to ask.  His response was enough to send off signals. He was honest about his not so excellent past, but quick to let me know that I shouldn’t ask questions (from other people) if i’m not ready to hear the answers.  So cryptic! Naturally, I’m very curious.   So, I want to ask two pals about him.  These two pals and I are friends, not close friends, but pals that I would trust to give me at the minimum, non-malicious information.  And they both know him longer than I have. Currently, none of them know about me and him, and by asking, it would definitely lead me to answer questions that I’m not sure I have answers to (for example, are you all dating/serious? yikes! its all so new, i don’t have an answer). Also, one of the pals is a good friend of his ex (which is a post for another day), so there’s that dynamic.   

  I can’t help but think that my curiosity is subterfuge for a deeper issue. Why should it matter what other people think? Aren’t there people who are sheeps in public, but wolves in the dark?  Due to past hurts i’m extremely guarded with my heart.  I’m really not that interested about what he did in the past, i’m more interested in character.  But aren’t past actions a prediction of future actions? Wouldn’t his past for the most part account for part of his character.  Granted, we all make mistakes and none of us are perfect, so there are things out there I can’t hold against him.  On the other hand, am I really ready to deal with the answers? Will i even listen if i learn of something that’s quite appealing. If i ask, do I not trust him? Am I insecure? Am i naive not to ask? Isn’t this the same as “googling” someone, except you are actually speaking to a real-live human being?  I’ve never solicited information about any of my exes from people.  I truly believe I am the only person who can decide what I think about someone. However, I have been guilty of clouded emotions that do not allow me to see the real deal.  More aptly, I am usually unwilling to see the real deal. 

By the way, he was quick to point out that he wouldn’t ask anyone about me, and if anyone did tell him, he could care less what anyone else thought of me.  Now, what am i suppose to say in response to that?

Goals

Dad always says, if you don’t write it down, it doesn’t exist.  It’s a few months late, but my mid-year goals are not accounted for. 

FINANCIAL

• Refinance the house (by Sept 30, 2008)
• Pay off car note (by Dec. 31, 2009) (by saving $300/mo for the DEATH TO CAR NOTE FUND)
• Open ING accounts (by Sep 30, 2008)
• Live within my budget (NOW!!)

SPIRITUAL

• find a church home and a ministry to serve in
• Finish reading the Bible (Dec 2008)
• Be a more cheerful & faithful giver
• Work on my relationship with Sir God

EMOTIONAL

• Maintain current weight (135lb)
• Lose 5 more lbs to 130lb
• Let go off baggage

CAREER

• Be indispensable to my boss
• Find leadership opportunities
• Make $15k more than I currently make (by Dec 2009)

Health Coverage

I’m trying to decide whether to take advantage of COBRA insurance from my prior job.  COBRA allows you to piggy back on your prior employee’s insurance coverage for at least 18 months, but requires you to pay upto 102% of the insurance premium (for example, if the employer paid $100, the most you’d have to pay is $102).  My new job has a 90-day waiting period before coverage begins. Go figure! That’s what you get for working for the government! So, my coverage doesn’t kick in until sometime in October.  I left my other job mid-month, so I’m covered until the end of this month. So, in essence I need coverage for the next two months.  It will probably cost me around $600 for 2 months, which too me is pretty hefty.  I could use that money to pay off some of my bills.  Also, I am blessed with good health; I rarely if ever get sick.  Like many students, I went through my college life sans health insurance, and during that 7 year period, I thank God, I never got ill.  So, there’s that route.   Stay uninsured for the next 2 months and hope for the best.  But my mother’s words keep drifting in and out of my mind. She always says “Mutino ni muhio gukira ngoma” (loosely transalted from Kikuyu to English: “misfortune/accident is swifter than the devil).   Am I willing to take that risk? Anything can happen, and that $600 I’m trying to save on will appear miniscule next to a gigantic medical bill, should God forbid, anything happen.  I have the next 2 days to decide what I need to do.  I’m leaning heavily to signing up for COBRA coverage…..

Personal Finance

I am part of the “instant gratification” generation. I affectionately refer to us as the “microwave” generation. We do not save any money to purchase anything.  Why do that when with the swipe of a card I can have what I want.  Now. Our folks saved to buy everything.  There were no credit cards, no zero-down. Nada. You wanted a house, you came up with a 20% down payment.  When I think about it, 20% down is crazy! How can anyone afford to purchase property? But, they did it.  Life in the States is totally different. if not careful, you can find yourself in debt to your eyeballs trying to keep up with the joneses.  I’d like to say that I’ve always been great at managing my money, but that wouldn’t be completely true.  Granted, I’m a very conservative spender.   I’ve always been cautious with how I spend my money, but I must admit I’ve never quite kept a working budget.  I roughly knew how much was in my account, and I spend based on that.  Well, i’m all grown now, so I’ve been really working at learning ways of making my money work for me.  I really hate debt! Hate it! But, I’m in it.  Thank God, none of it is credit card debt.  I learnt that lesson the hard way, but I’m happy to say credit cards are history in my life.  But, I do have about 13K in student loans, and $14K in car note.  The former was a necessity.  There was no way I was going to be able to attend school if I didn’t take the student loan.  But, my student loan is just for my graduate school.  I worked two jobs to pay for my undergrad and I’m darn proud of that.  The car note, well, that’s a different ball game.  In retrospect, I shouldn’t have bought my dream car at the time I did.  But, the instant gratification side of me took over my generally cautious side.  If i had to do it again, I wouldn’t have bought the car at the time.  But, here I am.  I need to pay both of these off ASAP.  I’ve really been working at “snowballing my debt” by significantly trimming down.  It takes discipline, and somedays just sheer grace.  I’ve implemented some of Dave Ramsey’s spending habits.  Like the “envelope system.” It works especially when I need some retail theraphy.  Having what is allocated in my budget for shoes in cash in an envelope has really helped me avert unnecessary shopping sprees.  I still feel that there’s more room to trim down.  I recently decided to park my car and ride the metro.  With the gas prices as well as the sheer hours I spend stressed in the traffic, this is by far the easiest trimming down decision I’ve made.  Riding the metro though has its moments.  Like galfriend telling her business over the phone to the entire bus at 7 o’clock in the morning is enough to make me pull out my glock! LOL!!! The only saving grace is when I think: $10/week on the metro vs. $45/week on gas. Priceless!

I’ve been MIA for a while.  With all the moving, unpacking, and new job, its been crazy.  Thankfully, things have calmed down.  My new job is “aight” for lack of a better term.  I’m in the orientation phase and the transition isn’t going as smoothly as I’d hoped.  You get used to doing things a certain way, and when you don’t have that, you pretty much have new-job blues. But, i’m sure in time it will get better.  Other than that my personal life is looking up.  New guy (i have to find a suitable alias for him) is proving to be quite a guy.  He’s very thoughtful and considerate. Maybe i haven’t had a really nice guy in my corner for a while, i forgot just what a nice feeling it is to be with someone who really digz you. I am all smiles.  All. The. Time.   I keep waiting for the shoe to fall off, but it hasn’t (yet! and maybe it won’t!).  So, for now, i’m in a really really good place.   I even took a moment to thank EL because if he hadn’t been such a mofo, I wouldn’t have recognized what a good guy looks like.  I think i just learnt my lesson!

Packing

I’m having packing blues! How is it possible for someone to accumulate so much in such a short time period? I have done so much mental packing without actually physically doing anything.  The thought of packing really overwhelms me. But, its something that has to be done, because movers come in on Friday.  So far, i have lots of boxes (empty) in the living room.  Loads of clothes in my room to be sorted out. My kitchen is flooded with pots and pans and plates….aargh! I know this will be done because it has to be done.  It’s the process that is crazy.  Oh well, off to pack some more.  Laterz!

Where do I stand?

It’s natural for me to allow what others want to be important that what I want or even what I need.  It’s not something that I am particularly proud of.  In fact, until recently, i didn’t even realize i did it.  It was just a part of what I did.  It’s a hard thing to admit that you allow others happiness to be more important that what is best for you.  But, I can’t do that anymore.  From now on, I am going to do what is best for me.  That doesn’t mean that I will not be a giving person. But, I want to make decisions based on what I believe is best for me.  This issue comes up because I met a new guy.  And the one thing that I am not going to do is be physically intimate with this guy (until he has a ring on my finger).  I know it sounds like i’m jumping the gun, but I need to be sure where i stand.  The emotional baggage that comes with not ending up with a guy whom i’ve been with is something that I cannot handle.  Seriously, it would take another decade for me to get out of that roller coaster.  I admit this is a decision that is not easy.  I have never done this before, but I am adamant that this is what’s up. When the time is right, I will have this discussion with this guy.  If we’re not on the same page – spiritually, emotionally, and physically- then I’d rather not be involved with him in any way.  I am more than aware that the devil is always ready to pounce on you when you make a decision like this, so I’m asking God to walk with me on this one.  I can’t do it alone.  I told my bff this, and she said “are you serious? I don’t know about all that.”  Well, I’m here to prove to her that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.  If this guy is the real deal, he will respect my decision.  And if he’s not, then i’d rather know now than later.